13 months and counting
First of all, I'm sorry if I haven't posted yet my creations here in this blog as I was supposed to do. I decided to create a deviantArt account instead that would serve as my repository, just to be organize and showcase it to others that might be interested.
Now, for the purpose of this post, I just want to rant everything that I feel right now. These past few months have been good. I am able to get back to the outside world (finally!) and that's a great start! Ever since then, I've been frequenting going outside just to accustom myself from the people, the commuting and all. That improvement got me hoping that I could be back completely any time soon..
I am so looking forward to going back to the office since I have already laid out my plan just in case. I've even set a target date on when I'd be back to the office and what I'd do once I return. I plan to come back ASAP mainly because I would want a shift in my career. I had even conveyed it to my manager, whom replied that this kind of matter will be entertained once I return. It's not that I don't like my current work or team, it's quite opposite actually. They're understanding and always supporting me. I couldn't ask for teammates more than I already have. But I just couldn't bring myself to associate with this work. This isn't what I was promised and I want to correct it as soon as possible.
The other reason, is for financial matters. Being gone for 1 year (or professionally speaking, 2 halves of two business years), I didn't receive any increase for two years and I can't attain to lose another increase if I would ever want to pay my pending bills ASAP.
But damn, I'm between colliding stones and I can't get out from it. I would want to push the operation just so I can get back to my normal routine but my guardian won't allow it. She says that it'd be risky and it's not recommended. Once again, I felt all my hopes crushed. This feeling seems so usual, I'm afraid I'm getting used to it. I keep saying to myself that I shoudn't be. Must I lose hope not that I'm SLOWLY regaining what I left? Must I show to everyone around me what I feel now? I keep on putting a brave font, but heaven knows deep inside, everything is in a turmoil.
Just recently, I've decided to help my parents pay my pending doctor's fee. Though my mother insisted I don't since we've decided that she'd take care of it, I pushed it just so to fasten it up. My sister even reprimanded me that I shan't because that's out of what I'm supposed to take care of; and I shan't abuse my savings because it must be saved for urgent matters.
But who could blame me? I'm the reason why all of these happened. I promised myself that I'd help my parents financially and yet, now I'm the reason why they're suffering. Of course, I would want to help in all ways I can. But I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I should do; what i should expect. I just don't.
Now, for the purpose of this post, I just want to rant everything that I feel right now. These past few months have been good. I am able to get back to the outside world (finally!) and that's a great start! Ever since then, I've been frequenting going outside just to accustom myself from the people, the commuting and all. That improvement got me hoping that I could be back completely any time soon..
I am so looking forward to going back to the office since I have already laid out my plan just in case. I've even set a target date on when I'd be back to the office and what I'd do once I return. I plan to come back ASAP mainly because I would want a shift in my career. I had even conveyed it to my manager, whom replied that this kind of matter will be entertained once I return. It's not that I don't like my current work or team, it's quite opposite actually. They're understanding and always supporting me. I couldn't ask for teammates more than I already have. But I just couldn't bring myself to associate with this work. This isn't what I was promised and I want to correct it as soon as possible.
The other reason, is for financial matters. Being gone for 1 year (or professionally speaking, 2 halves of two business years), I didn't receive any increase for two years and I can't attain to lose another increase if I would ever want to pay my pending bills ASAP.
But damn, I'm between colliding stones and I can't get out from it. I would want to push the operation just so I can get back to my normal routine but my guardian won't allow it. She says that it'd be risky and it's not recommended. Once again, I felt all my hopes crushed. This feeling seems so usual, I'm afraid I'm getting used to it. I keep saying to myself that I shoudn't be. Must I lose hope not that I'm SLOWLY regaining what I left? Must I show to everyone around me what I feel now? I keep on putting a brave font, but heaven knows deep inside, everything is in a turmoil.
Just recently, I've decided to help my parents pay my pending doctor's fee. Though my mother insisted I don't since we've decided that she'd take care of it, I pushed it just so to fasten it up. My sister even reprimanded me that I shan't because that's out of what I'm supposed to take care of; and I shan't abuse my savings because it must be saved for urgent matters.
But who could blame me? I'm the reason why all of these happened. I promised myself that I'd help my parents financially and yet, now I'm the reason why they're suffering. Of course, I would want to help in all ways I can. But I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I should do; what i should expect. I just don't.
"How will you find yourself when your hand to hold is letting go?
How will you tell yourself you're losing hope?"
-Mayday Parade, Call me Hopeless but not Romantic
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